The Plight of My Nowadays-Barely-Worn Size 6 Jeans
I never thought I would one day empathize with Regina George from Mean Girls, but well here we are, and my sweatpants are all that fits me right now, too — and not because someone is feeding me protein bars under false pretenses, but because I am just too lazy to process my emotions in a healthy way and shoving chocolate down my throat is the easiest way for me to get the dopamine kick that I genuinely crave.
I’m sure many of you have that pair of 5-year-old jeans in your closet that you wore the hell out of (and made you look fire!) during that one year when you actually reached your “body goals”. Well, I do. Sadly, the fate of those jeans was sealed the moment I had a bite of chocolate cake again after months of restricting myself to lose weight. I remember having such mixed feelings about that first bite — it was comforting, like reuniting with a friend after spending years apart, but at the same time, terrifying because that friend was not a good influence on you anyway and you never really learned how to say no to her.
With each delicious bite, I could feel my willpower slowly deteriorate. From then on, I started gaining weight again until those jeans became simultaneously a distant memory tethering me to the past, and the symbol of a perpetually unachieved new year’s resolution for the next four years, reminding me of all the ways in which I’ve failed (!)
I don’t think ever been a person who can just jump into new adventures. Though I can adapt easily to change, those changes never come as easily because I spend so much time evaluating the potential outcomes in my head. Maybe change is not meant to come so easily, that’s open for debate. However, there’s one thing I know for sure and that is the fact that from now on, I want my heart to also have a voice in how I shape my life.
To make this happen, I am taking the first step by cleaning out my closet — both literally and figuratively. Step by step I will try to remove myself from situations that make me unhappy and work towards creating healthy boundaries (something which I don’t think I’ve ever learned how to do.)
This year, I am going to try something new and instead of writing a resolution list of items that I probably won’t achieve, I’m going to create a let-go-of-the-following list. By the way, as I am typing this, SIA’s Courage to Change is playing in the background and I feel like a Gen-Zer on TikTok, oozing main-character energy. Honestly, I can get used to this feeling.
LET GO OF THE FOLLOWING*:
(*At least to some extent. I am only human after all.)
- Trying actively to prove myself / my worth to other people,
- Situations + people that make me feel unhappy,
- Self-doubt,
- Ruminating about things that I do not have control over,
- The aforementioned pair of jeans.
LOL and here we have another list of things that are easier said than done. Maybe I should also let go of making lists.
In conclusion, this New Year’s Eve, instead of trying to squeeze into some 5-year-old pair of jeans, I am going to get myself the “sparkliest”, most festive pair of sweatpants that I can find to celebrate this body that keeps me alive and allows me to do the things that I enjoy.
And for the rest of the year, I’ll try to put on a different version of myself to see if I feel comfortable in it. Who knows, maybe this one will fit better than the previous one ever did...
Happy holidays and a magical new year to all!
